A Woman’s Imagination

“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” ~Jane Austen

I’d only been home for two days, but my answering machine was already cluttered with messages of “Call me back ASAP” from Jen. Since her voice sounded more like a giggly girl at a slumber party than someone in the middle of a crisis, I wrote “call Jen” on a sticky note and continued with my unpacking. I’d call her after I’d run a load of whites.

Apparently, she just couldn’t wait for me to dig my smelly socks out of the blue duffle bag and track down a bottle of bleach, because before the rinse cycle was underway, the phone rang. She asked a few pleasantries — if the airplane food was as gross as normal, and whether I’d enjoyed the conference — before cutting to the chase.

From Admiration to Love

“So,” said the enthusiastic voice on the other end of the line, “Tell me about him!”

I mentally flipped through files of friends and acquaintances trying to decipher who the elusive him was before finally just asking what on earth she was talking about.

“Oh,” she obviously thought I was being coy, “you know who I mean, Kelsey.”

I wondered if she’d confused my life with someone else’s, perhaps someone from one of those soap operas I pride myself on never watching, or maybe it was a side affect of a Pride and Prejudice overdose.  Who knows.

“There isn’t any guy to tell you about.” I said. The last him of any interest whatsoever had been a fellow I’d met briefly while at the conference, who I’d never mentioned to Jen because it wasn’t worth mentioning.  After all, we hadn’t even swapped MySpaces.

From Love to Matrimony

While gone, though, I’d briefly mentioned chatting with Conference Dude in a short email to Kathy.  Kathy told Beth, a mutual friend of ours, I was dating someone I’d only just met.  Beth then told Jen, who immediately took it from dating to matrimony.  By the time I got home and was attempting to do my laundry in peace, the story had grown so much, you’d have thought they’d drenched it with Miracle Grow.

It’s amazing how when several women with rapid imaginations enter the equation, something as mundane as, “I talked with an interesting guy over coffee,” can turn into, “I’m getting married this summer to someone I only just met and didn’t bother to tell you.”

Jen,  disappointed to discover there wasn’t going to be a summer wedding — or spring, fall or winter for that matter — said with a sigh, “Oh, and I was looking forward to the wedding.”  I laughed.  At moments like that, there isn’t much else you can do.

Thankfully, Jen hadn’t bought a gift yet; although, I guess a new toaster never hurt anyone.

Titles: The Best of the Worst

Movies:

1-“The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living And Became Mixed-Up Zombies” (Well, that sounds like Academy Award winning writing there )  

2-“Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter (Aw, a match made in hell)

3-“Herbie: Fully Loaded” (Before Herbie joined AA)

4-“Ssssssss” (That would have been an interesting one to order tickets to. “I’d like two tickets to Ssssss please.”)

5-“Leonard, Part 6” (Only weird when you realized parts one through five don’t exist)

6-“Killer Klowns from Outer Space” (This sounds like a dream I’d have)

7-“Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” (I knew they’d run out of good holiday movie plots after “Rudolph”)

8-“To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar” (Rather than sounding romantic, it makes me feel like I’m reading someone’s personal mail)

Country Songs:

1-“They May Put Me in Prison, But They Can’t Stop my Face from Breakin’ Out” (A teenage country song, I’m sure)

2-“Pardon Me, I’ve Got Someone to Kill” (Well, by all means…)

3-“You Can’t Roller Skate in A Buffalo Herd” (I’m glad you finally figured that out)

4-“How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I’ve Been a Liar All My Life” (What I’d like to know is, how did they fit that title on the CD?)

5-“Mama Get the Hammer (There’s A Fly on Papa’s Head)” (Maxwell Silver Hammer as a child)

6-“My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, and I Don’t Love Jesus” (I’m sorry?)

7-“If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I’d Blow it All on You” (And why on earth would you want to do that?)

8-“If You Don’t Leave Me Alone, I’ll Go and Find Someone Else Who Will” (Some people were truly meant to be single)

9-“If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?” (Maybe it’s written from the perspective of a dog?)

10-“My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart” (There’s nothing like the reference to a tracker to really pull at your heart strings)

11-“Oh, I’ve Got Hair Oil on My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You” (Short, sweet and to the point)

Albums:

1-“Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water” (That’d make a horrible ice cream flavor)

2-“TP-2.com” (A blog about toilet paper, maybe?)

3-“When The Pawn Hits The Conflicts He Thinks Like A King What He Knows Throws The Blows When He Goes To The Fight And He’ll Win The Whole Thing ‘Fore He Enters The Ring There’s No Body To Batter When Your Mind Is Your Might So When You Go Solo, You Hold Your Own Hand And Remember That Depth Is The Greatest Of Heights And If You Know Where You Stand, Then You Know Where To Land And If You Fall It Won’t Matter, Cuz You’ll Know That You’re Right” (He was told to write a title, but instead he wrote a boxing jingle)

What about you?  What are some of your favorite sour titles?

(For more horribly funny titles check out WriterChick’s Post “Entitled…”)

Yackity, Yack

Things I couldn’t help but overhearing, probably because I was eavesdropping, and now have taken entirely out of context for your reading pleasure.

1. “I’m just saying I want to go to the Beetle Mart; I’m not making a joke.”

2. “The mating call of the wild centipede sounds like a dying moose.”

3. “I don’t see how it matters since he was a mental toilet.”

4. “You’re humoring me; I don’t appreciate humor.”

5. “When Einstein was young, he knew he’d either grow up to be a genius, or a stand up comedian. He decided to be a genius, because it’d look better on his résumé.”

6. “On the other hand, you have different fingers.”

7. “It’s hard to tell zebras and giraffes apart since they look so much alike.”

8. “I’m not a nobody; I’m your mother. Well, not your mother per se.”

9. “I’m going to be a professional party-pooper when I grow up.”

10. “I think you should use fake names, it always sounds more realistic that way.”

11. “If you were in a ‘Morbid Contest’, you’d win first prize.”

12. “Come help me, I dropped St. Francis behind the refrigerator!”

13. “If you say ‘chip’ without the ‘i,’ it’s “chip-oo.”

14. “I think my Mother Ship is a tattoo parlor.”

15. “Oh, you knit, too?”   “Unit two? I don’t even remember unit one!”

16. “I love green food … kiwis, peas, avocados, cheese.”