The Journey

It began with what appeared to be the worst midlife crisis imaginable.  What else could it be?  And a midlife crisis is common is men in their forties, right?

I was angry at my dad, to put it mildly.  I thought it was a choice on his part to be so apathetic and distant towards his own family, to act like a completely different person, but as I later found out, I was wrong.  What we’d all originally thought to be a midlife crisis turned out to be a deadly, incurable disease.

My dad, who’s currently only forty-seven, has a fatal, incurable, untreatable, degenerative brain disorder (Frontotemporal Lobe Dementia, also known as FTD).  Basically, his brain is dying, and in doing so, it’s pronounced a death sentence over him which takes a couple of years to run its course.

As his brain degenerates, I watch slowly as each part of him begins to fade from view, forever.  He no longer acts like like my dad, and as time goes by, he’ll become even less like the man I knew.  It’s a very long and painful goodbye.

Even though my identity is not summed up in my father’s illness, it has been the hardest thing my family has gone through; it’s rocked us each to our core. My mom’s become essentially a single parent to my two younger siblings, and we’ve all lost the caring and supportive husband, father and friend we once had.

I’ve changed and grown as a result of the pain, grief, regret, depression, anger and crisis I’ve been living with, and am continuing to work through. It might not be who I am as an individual, but it has helped to shape me into the person I am today, and it will continue to play a major role in who I becoming.

Originally, I started this blog as a means of being able to share what I was learning and thinking while living out this long, and very painful, goodbye.  Since then, it’s essentially become my thoughts on life and the destination.  I hope you’ll join me for the journey.