Away

12 05 2007

j0407442 (2)

“I’m away,” the message on my instant messenger reads.  The brief message gives the reader plenty of opportunity to imagine that I’m catching up on some cleaning and organization around the house, using up the last of my monthly cell phone minutes, or lost in the fantasy realm of an old, dusty book.  When the truth is, I’m just hiding.   

This Mother’s Day marks the third anniversary of The Beginning of the End.  Three years ago exactly, I fell down the rabbit hole, and I’ve been lost in Wonderland casing after white rabbits and Cheshire Cats ever since.  I remember walking into my mom’s bedroom to find her staring in disbelief at several credit cards bills in her hands – credit cards we supposedly didn’t even have.  My dad had racked up quite a hefty sum, but not only that, he’d been lying about it to all of us for months.  I was angry and confused, to put it mildly. 

It wasn’t until later that same year — while on vacation in Disneyland – we realized it was much more than a midlife crisis and a pricey shopping spree.  We learned he’s dying very slowly at the hands of the silent killer known as Dementia, which was why he’d lost interest in his family; along with losing impose control and his moral compass to boot.

Things have changed drastically since our first unforgettable Mother’s Day.  My dad’s living in an apartment on his own, we’ve moved to a new town, and his heath is much worse.  But much like three years ago, mom and I find ourselves very concerned about yet another thing he appears to be concealing from us.  Only this time, I’m concerned he’s become involved with someone.

Three years ago, if I’d even suspected for a moment my dad was involved with someone else I would have been devastated, but now I feel too apathetic to even care much.  When mom and I discussed earlier today how we’re concerned, my eloquent, thoughtful response to the situation was, “Well, this isn’t cool.”   

I know my dad wouldn’t have wanted any of this; I know he doesn’t have the same level of control anymore, but that only adds another layer to my frustration.  I don’t blame anyone; its nobodies fault, but I’m still angry any of this is even happening. 

I need a moment to breath, a chance to collect my thoughts, and to simply get away.

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8 responses

14 05 2007
babychaos

I am really sorry to hear that. It is so crap and you write about it with a lot of wisdom and insight.
Don’t beat yourself up about being angry (cf wisdom and insight comment above, you’re already well ahead of the pack) sometimes a person can’t live up to their ideals straight away, sometimes you may find you end up being more human than you want! 😉 It’s ok, every now and again, that’s allowed.
Take care you.
Cheers
BC

Thank you, BC. 🙂

I won’t beat myself up about being angry. I’ve been feeling so numb that it’s probably just good I’m feeling anything at all, because in this case I do think to be upset is to be human.

~Kelsey

14 05 2007
chughes

My prayers are with you and your parents.
Dementia is so hard to cope with. My husband’s grandmother suffered from dementia and the family just fell apart over it. Sometimes it’s hard to differentiate the person you’ve known and loved from the disease.
i hope that you will be able to move past the numb feeling and be comforted and strengthened at this time.
~christine

I’m so sorry to hear about your husband’s grandmother. Dementia is such a horrible thing to deal with for any family. I think one of the hardest parts is the process of losing the person you love one piece at a time, and as you said, not being able to differentiate between your loved one and the disease.

Thank you for your prayers, Christine. 🙂

~Kelsey

17 05 2007
~m

Quite simply, I understand.
If you need to rant to another human, email me.
I’m all ears (and shoulders), you know that.
Prayers on their way, Kelsey.
Hang tough. The clouds do pass.
~m

Thank you, Michael, for your prayers and for being willing to listen to ranting. 🙂

~Kelsey

17 05 2007
hudds53

hi Kelsey, you are always in my thoughts and prayers. I have experienced dementia first hand as Vi’s (wife) father is in the end stages. Sadly, and bluntly put the man is no longer with us, in physical form yes, but the mind is totally gone. The deterioration is so sad to watch.
My prayers are with you
Bill

Bill,

Yes, dementia is a very sad thing to watch no matter who it is who has it.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. 🙂

~Kelsey

18 05 2007
Dianasaur

I’m so sorry to hear that Kelsey, Eric and my hearts have been so touched by you and your family and we are continually praying for you. I pray that God just wraps you in His arms and takes you in His lap and comforts you with His divine love. You are His beloved daughter.

Thank you, Diana. It means a lot to me that you and Eric pray for my family and me. 🙂
~Kelsey

20 05 2007
writerchick

Kelsey,
You are so lucky to have your mom and your strength of character. I know this has to be shattering to your whole family and my heart goes out to you. You’re always in my prayers. I know your family will get through this – and I know it will be unimagineably difficult – but you will.
If you need time away – take it. We’ll be here if you need us.
Annie

Thank you, Annie. I’m having one of those moments where life feels harder than it normally does, and your comment came at just the right moment. You’re right, I know my family and I will get through this, even though it won’t be easy.

~Kelsey

31 05 2007
deputyheadmistress

You write about it very well. I am sorry you have such things to write about and the whetstone of such pain to sharpen your writing.
Just wanted to let you know that somebody is thinking about you.

Thank you for taking the time to stop by and comment. It means a lot to me that I was in your thoughts. 🙂

~Kelsey

29 07 2007
Nita

Kelsey, My heart goes out to you, there are times I think this may be happening to my Mom, and I am afraid. Nita

I’m so sorry to hear of your concern for your mom’s health; I understand being afraid. Just yesterday, I was taking with a family member about how we’re both concerned our grandpa may be at the beginning of some form of dementia. Even though my dad has dementia and I was always much closer to him, the thought of walking down that path with anyone else still scares me.

~Kelsey

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