10 04 2007

j0382859 (2)

You know the feeling you get when your foot falls asleep after  you’ve been sitting on it?  How it feels so numb you’re not even sure if you pulled out a fork and jabbed it a couple of time you’d notice? I feel like someone could jab me emotionally with a fork right now and I’d barely feel a thing. 

Another holiday’s come and gone. I felt too apathetic to do much more than glance at the date on the calendar. I’ve never particularly been a holiday enthusiast anyway, but all holidays – especially family holidays – have now become something to survive, to take a deep breath and get through, rather than something to look forward to and enjoy.

I smile on holidays and cheerfully wish people a happy whatever it is, but I feel too numb to honestly even care if every holiday was suddenly permanently deleted from the calendar, sucked into a black hole somewhere in the cosmos and gone forever.

I feel numb, frozen and apathetic. Like a zombie who somehow escaped out of the TV screen during “Shaun of the Dead” and is now feeling out of place here in Human World. I get out of bed, eat breakfast, brush my teeth a couple of times too many, and continue on with my day, but I’m only going through the motions. It’s like I’m stuck on a treadmill, running in place. I don’t know where I’m going, and I don’t even know if I care.

I didn’t use to feel apathetic. For awhile I felt afraid; afraid to dream or plan, because everything had crumbed and fallen into ragged shards, and I was tired of bending over and sweeping them up off the ground again and again. I was afraid to reach out to people, too, because I learned even the nicest ones sometimes bite and it hurts when they do.  

But even though I’m no longer as frightened by the pain of broken dreams, plans and friendships — I expect them, the same way I expect summer to come after spring — I’m apathetic.  Maybe it’s because it doesn’t hurt as much to have something ripped out of your hands when you weren’t holding on to it tightly, when you didn’t really care. 

I want to feel passionate about something again, to feel more than just numb. I want to feel alive. I don’t feel sad, angry or afraid; I don’t feel much of anything. I just feel numb.




4 responses

10 04 2007

wow. you are incredible. you will make it through and the apathy will end.

Thank you. I’m looking forward to it coming to an end.

Thanks for stopping by, and taking the time to comment.


10 04 2007

I’m encouraging you to get Jazzed-up about something this week. Give yourself permission to feel Kelsey……..and you will. If you lived closer I’d offer to give you a massage.
You just put it out there (what you want)…..It will come.

Thank you, Catherine. I’ll do that. I’ll try to find something this week to care about, something to look forward to.


10 04 2007
Mrs. Nicklebee

I have camped out in Survival Mode and it gets really, really old, doesn’t it. I’m with Catherine in that I think you should do something that you can get excited about. Something legal and moral, of course. I clarify that for the benefit of readers, but I know you know what we’re both saying.

Some suggestions: Go for a walk. Look at something beautiful, just for the sake of looking at something beautiful. Draw, paint or sculpt. Try to think of the last book you read that was really, really encouraging and read it again.

I’m sorry you’re feeling numb, but I understand, (((((Kelsey))))).

LOL- Yes, legal and moral are definitely musts when it comes to picking something to get excited about. It is a good thing to clarify, though, for the benefit of others. 🙂

Thank you for your suggestions, Mrs. Nicklebee, those are a great place to start. I’ll try to make a point of finding and doing some things I enjoy simply because I enjoy them.


12 04 2007

I’m with you on your holiday thoughts.
I believe it’s a sign of maturity when we begin to see the holidays for what they truly are not what they ultimately should be.
Maybe it’s a defense mechanism of sorts as you mentioned.
It hurts less if we allow detachment but in the end it also feels like we missed out on something possibly worthwhile.
You are wise beyond your years and I have the feeling that your apathy is a bridge you need to try and cross. Sometimes the other side isn’t quite as awful as we perceive it to be.
On a side note, when my daughter was small and her leg would fall asleep she would say to me, “Daddy, my leg is sparkling!”
Maybe there’s something to be taken from that. I don’t know.
Keep on, keepin’ on. . .

I remember when I was a little kid the world seemed so bright and magical, as with most young children. Holidays were the best parts of the entire year and Disneyland truly was the happiest place on earth, but it wasn’t long before the wide-eye wonder seems to be replaced with a strong, heaping dose of reality.

Even though it does sometimes feel like I’m missing out on something, I’d never trade who I am now for who I was just to enjoy a couple days a year more. Maybe the price of maturity is having the illustion dissolve, which really isn’t a bad thing.

Sparkling… maybe I’m sparkly, it sounds better than “numb.” 🙂


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