If I could, I’d share my birthday cheesecake with all of my neighbors here in the blogosphere today.  I enjoy sharing a small bit of this journey called life with each of you, and birthdays are always a good excuse to eat cheesecake with friends. 

~Kelsey

1. You have to use your hand to feel your way safely past furniture, even when the light is on.

2. When cracking an egg, you miss the pan entirely and the contents of the egg lands with a splat on the counter.

3. You’re afraid to open the cupboard door because every time you venture to take out a glass, your nose takes a beating.

4. You watch a movie feeling completely lost while wondering, “Why doesn’t it tell you where the characters are now?” Only to discover later that it had had subtitles the entire time and you never noticed.

5. You feel as if you’ve just completed the visual equivalency of a marathon every time you successfully read an entire chapter in only one sitting and then celebrate by closing the book.

6. When filling out a job application, you write down the skills and experiences that you feel make you a prime candidate for the job you’re currently applying for in the “Have you ever been convicted of a felony?” section.

7. Everyone else is able to read the street sign before you’re even able to see it.

8. Asking questions like, “Is this a ‘G’ or an ‘S?’” becomes a part of your daily life.

9. A page in a book comes closer to resembling Alphabet Soup than readable text.

10. To your shock, you discover one of your favorite clipart pictures of a beautiful, old cottage in the countryside is actually a picture of a riding lawnmower on a golf course.

I scored ten out of ten, and that’s why I’m getting new glasses. :-) 

Sorry for the long and unexplained blog absence.   I’ve spent the last couple of weeks munching on cough drops, building a life-size replica of Mt. Everest made entirely out of Kleenex, swapping fever dreams with my mom, and moaning dramatically, “Even my hair hurts!”

It’s amazing how little time it takes before you’re sick and tired of being sick and tired.

As I’m sure you can imagine, there just hasn’t been much to post about lately.  I appear to be on the mend, though, so hopefully I’ll be back to posting again soon.

“You don’t have to burn books to destroy a culture.  Just get people to stop reading them.” ~Ray Bradbury

For the past few months a personal writing project I’ve been trying to finish has been sucking up all of the time and energy I’d normally devote to blogging, emailing and generally just having a life.  It’s as if there’s been a large leach clinging onto my scalp as it sucks out every drop of creativity until there isn’t even a dry breadcrumb left to throw at my blog.  But I’m hoping to try and change that.

My writing project isn’t complete yet, but it’s moving along nicely, and I’m going to attempt to juggle blogging again.  So, after an extended abscessed from the blogosphere, I’m finally back… or at least, I think that I am.

~Moe

“Friends may come and go, but cats accumulate.” ~Bob McMahon

I’ve accumulated another one.  This is Amy.

“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” ~Jane Austen

I’d only been home for two days, but my answering machine was already cluttered with messages of “Call me back ASAP” from Jen. Since her voice sounded more like a giggly girl at a slumber party than someone in the middle of a crisis, I wrote “call Jen” on a sticky note and continued with my unpacking. I’d call her after I’d run a load of whites.

Apparently, she just couldn’t wait for me to dig my smelly socks out of the blue duffle bag and track down a bottle of bleach, because before the rinse cycle was underway, the phone rang. She asked a few pleasantries — if the airplane food was as gross as normal, and whether I’d enjoyed the conference – before cutting to the chase.

From Admiration to Love

“So,” said the enthusiastic voice on the other end of the line, “Tell me about him!”

I mentally flipped through files of friends and acquaintances trying to decipher who the elusive him was before finally just asking what on earth she was talking about.

“Oh,” she obviously thought I was being coy, “you know who I mean, Kelsey.”

I wondered if she’d confused my life with someone else’s, perhaps someone from one of those soap operas I pride myself on never watching, or maybe it was a side affect of a Pride and Prejudice overdose.  Who knows.

“There isn’t any guy to tell you about.” I said. The last him of any interest whatsoever had been a fellow I’d met briefly while at the conference, who I’d never mentioned to Jen because it wasn’t worth mentioning.  After all, we hadn’t even swapped MySpaces.

From Love to Matrimony

While gone, though, I’d briefly mentioned chatting with Conference Dude in a short email to Kathy.  Kathy told Beth, a mutual friend of ours, I was dating someone I’d only just met.  Beth then told Jen, who immediately took it from dating to matrimony.  By the time I got home and was attempting to do my laundry in peace, the story had grown so much, you’d have thought they’d drenched it with Miracle Grow.

It’s amazing how when several women with rapid imaginations enter the equation, something as mundane as, “I talked with an interesting guy over coffee,” can turn into, “I’m getting married this summer to someone I only just met and didn’t bother to tell you.”

Jen,  disappointed to discover there wasn’t going to be a summer wedding — or spring, fall or winter for that matter — said with a sigh, “Oh, and I was looking forward to the wedding.”  I laughed.  At moments like that, there isn’t much else you can do.

Thankfully, Jen hadn’t bought a gift yet; although, I guess a new toaster never hurt anyone.

Movies:

1-”The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living And Became Mixed-Up Zombies” (Well, that sounds like Academy Award winning writing there )  

2-”Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter (Aw, a match made in hell)

3-”Herbie: Fully Loaded” (Before Herbie joined AA)

4-”Ssssssss” (That would have been an interesting one to order tickets to. “I’d like two tickets to Ssssss please.”)

5-”Leonard, Part 6″ (Only weird when you realized parts one through five don’t exist)

6-”Killer Klowns from Outer Space” (This sounds like a dream I’d have)

7-”Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” (I knew they’d run out of good holiday movie plots after “Rudolph”)

8-”To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar” (Rather than sounding romantic, it makes me feel like I’m reading someone’s personal mail)

Country Songs:

1-”They May Put Me in Prison, But They Can’t Stop my Face from Breakin’ Out” (A teenage country song, I’m sure)

2-”Pardon Me, I’ve Got Someone to Kill” (Well, by all means…)

3-”You Can’t Roller Skate in A Buffalo Herd” (I’m glad you finally figured that out)

4-”How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I’ve Been a Liar All My Life” (What I’d like to know is, how did they fit that title on the CD?)

5-”Mama Get the Hammer (There’s A Fly on Papa’s Head)” (Maxwell Silver Hammer as a child)

6-”My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, and I Don’t Love Jesus” (I’m sorry?)

7-”If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I’d Blow it All on You” (And why on earth would you want to do that?)

8-”If You Don’t Leave Me Alone, I’ll Go and Find Someone Else Who Will” (Some people were truly meant to be single)

9-”If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?” (Maybe it’s written from the perspective of a dog?)

10-”My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart” (There’s nothing like the reference to a tracker to really pull at your heart strings)

11-”Oh, I’ve Got Hair Oil on My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You” (Short, sweet and to the point)

Albums:

1-“Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water” (That’d make a horrible ice cream flavor)

2-“TP-2.com” (A blog about toilet paper, maybe?)

3-“When The Pawn Hits The Conflicts He Thinks Like A King What He Knows Throws The Blows When He Goes To The Fight And He’ll Win The Whole Thing ‘Fore He Enters The Ring There’s No Body To Batter When Your Mind Is Your Might So When You Go Solo, You Hold Your Own Hand And Remember That Depth Is The Greatest Of Heights And If You Know Where You Stand, Then You Know Where To Land And If You Fall It Won’t Matter, Cuz You’ll Know That You’re Right” (He was told to write a title, but instead he wrote a boxing jingle)

What about you?  What are some of your favorite sour titles?

(For more horribly funny titles check out WriterChick’s Post “Entitled…”)

Things I couldn’t help but overhearing, probably because I was eavesdropping, and now have taken entirely out of context for your reading pleasure.

1. “I’m just saying I want to go to the Beetle Mart; I’m not making a joke.”

2. “The mating call of the wild centipede sounds like a dying moose.”

3. “I don’t see how it matters since he was a mental toilet.”

4. “You’re humoring me; I don’t appreciate humor.”

5. “When Einstein was young, he knew he’d either grow up to be a genius, or a stand up comedian. He decided to be a genius, because it’d look better on his résumé.”

6. “On the other hand, you have different fingers.”

7. “It’s hard to tell zebras and giraffes apart since they look so much alike.”

8. “I’m not a nobody; I’m your mother. Well, not your mother per se.”

9. “I’m going to be a professional party-pooper when I grow up.”

10. “I think you should use fake names, it always sounds more realistic that way.”

11. “If you were in a ‘Morbid Contest’, you’d win first prize.”

12. “Come help me, I dropped St. Francis behind the refrigerator!”

13. “If you say ‘chip’ without the ‘i,’ it’s “chip-oo.”

14. “I think my Mother Ship is a tattoo parlor.”

15. “Oh, you knit, too?”   “Unit two? I don’t even remember unit one!”

16. “I love green food … kiwis, peas, avocados, cheese.”

“I’m away,” the message on my instant messenger reads.  The brief message gives the reader plenty of opportunity to imagine that I’m catching up on some cleaning and organization around the house, using up the last of my monthly cell phone minutes, or lost in the fantasy realm of an old, dusty book.  When the truth is, I’m just hiding.   

This Mother’s Day marks the third anniversary of The Beginning of the End.  Three years ago exactly, I fell down the rabbit hole, and I’ve been lost in Wonderland casing after white rabbits and Cheshire Cats ever since.  I remember walking into my mom’s bedroom to find her staring in disbelief at several credit cards bills in her hands – credit cards we supposedly didn’t even have.  My dad had racked up quite a hefty sum, but not only that, he’d been lying about it to all of us for months.  I was angry and confused, to put it mildly. 

It wasn’t until later that same year — while on vacation in Disneyland – we realized it was much more than a midlife crisis and a pricey shopping spree.  We learned he’s dying very slowly at the hands of the silent killer known as Dementia, which was why he’d lost interest in his family; along with losing impose control and his moral compass to boot.

Things have changed drastically since our first unforgettable Mother’s Day.  My dad’s living in an apartment on his own, we’ve moved to a new town, and his heath is much worse.  But much like three years ago, mom and I find ourselves very concerned about yet another thing he appears to be concealing from us.  Only this time, I’m concerned he’s become involved with someone.

Three years ago, if I’d even suspected for a moment my dad was involved with someone else I would have been devastated, but now I feel too apathetic to even care much.  When mom and I discussed earlier today how we’re concerned, my eloquent, thoughtful response to the situation was, “Well, this isn’t cool.”   

I know my dad wouldn’t have wanted any of this; I know he doesn’t have the same level of control anymore, but that only adds another layer to my frustration.  I don’t blame anyone; its nobodies fault, but I’m still angry any of this is even happening. 

I need a moment to breath, a chance to collect my thoughts, and to simply get away.