Just a MOEment

1. You have to use your hand to feel your way safely past furniture, even when the light is on.

2. When cracking an egg, you miss the pan entirely and the contents of the egg lands with a splat on the counter.

3. You’re afraid to open the cupboard door because every time you venture to take out a glass, your nose takes a beating.

4. You watch a movie feeling completely lost while wondering, “Why doesn’t it tell you where the characters are now?” Only to discover later that it had had subtitles the entire time and you never noticed.

5. You feel as if you’ve just completed the visual equivalency of a marathon every time you successfully read an entire chapter in only one sitting and then celebrate by closing the book.

6. When filling out a job application, you write down the skills and experiences that you feel make you a prime candidate for the job you’re currently applying for in the “Have you ever been convicted of a felony?” section.

7. Everyone else is able to read the street sign before you’re even able to see it.

8. Asking questions like, “Is this a ‘G’ or an ‘S?’” becomes a part of your daily life.

9. A page in a book comes closer to resembling Alphabet Soup than readable text.

10. To your shock, you discover one of your favorite clipart pictures of a beautiful, old cottage in the countryside is actually a picture of a riding lawnmower on a golf course.

I scored ten out of ten, and that’s why I’m getting new glasses. :-) 

For the past few months a personal writing project I’ve been trying to finish has been sucking up all of the time and energy I’d normally devote to blogging, emailing and generally just having a life.  It’s as if there’s been a large leach clinging onto my scalp as it sucks out every drop of creativity until there isn’t even a dry breadcrumb left to throw at my blog.  But I’m hoping to try and change that.

My writing project isn’t complete yet, but it’s moving along nicely, and I’m going to attempt to juggle blogging again.  So, after an extended abscessed from the blogosphere, I’m finally back… or at least, I think that I am.

~Moe

“Friends may come and go, but cats accumulate.” ~Bob McMahon

I’ve accumulated another one.  This is Amy.

Movies:

1-”The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living And Became Mixed-Up Zombies” (Well, that sounds like Academy Award winning writing there )  

2-”Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter (Aw, a match made in hell)

3-”Herbie: Fully Loaded” (Before Herbie joined AA)

4-”Ssssssss” (That would have been an interesting one to order tickets to. “I’d like two tickets to Ssssss please.”)

5-”Leonard, Part 6″ (Only weird when you realized parts one through five don’t exist)

6-”Killer Klowns from Outer Space” (This sounds like a dream I’d have)

7-”Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” (I knew they’d run out of good holiday movie plots after “Rudolph”)

8-”To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar” (Rather than sounding romantic, it makes me feel like I’m reading someone’s personal mail)

Country Songs:

1-”They May Put Me in Prison, But They Can’t Stop my Face from Breakin’ Out” (A teenage country song, I’m sure)

2-”Pardon Me, I’ve Got Someone to Kill” (Well, by all means…)

3-”You Can’t Roller Skate in A Buffalo Herd” (I’m glad you finally figured that out)

4-”How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I’ve Been a Liar All My Life” (What I’d like to know is, how did they fit that title on the CD?)

5-”Mama Get the Hammer (There’s A Fly on Papa’s Head)” (Maxwell Silver Hammer as a child)

6-”My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, and I Don’t Love Jesus” (I’m sorry?)

7-”If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I’d Blow it All on You” (And why on earth would you want to do that?)

8-”If You Don’t Leave Me Alone, I’ll Go and Find Someone Else Who Will” (Some people were truly meant to be single)

9-”If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?” (Maybe it’s written from the perspective of a dog?)

10-”My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart” (There’s nothing like the reference to a tracker to really pull at your heart strings)

11-”Oh, I’ve Got Hair Oil on My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You” (Short, sweet and to the point)

Albums:

1-“Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water” (That’d make a horrible ice cream flavor)

2-“TP-2.com” (A blog about toilet paper, maybe?)

3-“When The Pawn Hits The Conflicts He Thinks Like A King What He Knows Throws The Blows When He Goes To The Fight And He’ll Win The Whole Thing ‘Fore He Enters The Ring There’s No Body To Batter When Your Mind Is Your Might So When You Go Solo, You Hold Your Own Hand And Remember That Depth Is The Greatest Of Heights And If You Know Where You Stand, Then You Know Where To Land And If You Fall It Won’t Matter, Cuz You’ll Know That You’re Right” (He was told to write a title, but instead he wrote a boxing jingle)

What about you?  What are some of your favorite sour titles?

(For more horribly funny titles check out WriterChick’s Post “Entitled…”)

Things I couldn’t help but overhearing, probably because I was eavesdropping, and now have taken entirely out of context for your reading pleasure.

1. “I’m just saying I want to go to the Beetle Mart; I’m not making a joke.”

2. “The mating call of the wild centipede sounds like a dying moose.”

3. “I don’t see how it matters since he was a mental toilet.”

4. “You’re humoring me; I don’t appreciate humor.”

5. “When Einstein was young, he knew he’d either grow up to be a genius, or a stand up comedian. He decided to be a genius, because it’d look better on his résumé.”

6. “On the other hand, you have different fingers.”

7. “It’s hard to tell zebras and giraffes apart since they look so much alike.”

8. “I’m not a nobody; I’m your mother. Well, not your mother per se.”

9. “I’m going to be a professional party-pooper when I grow up.”

10. “I think you should use fake names, it always sounds more realistic that way.”

11. “If you were in a ‘Morbid Contest’, you’d win first prize.”

12. “Come help me, I dropped St. Francis behind the refrigerator!”

13. “If you say ‘chip’ without the ‘i,’ it’s “chip-oo.”

14. “I think my Mother Ship is a tattoo parlor.”

15. “Oh, you knit, too?”   “Unit two? I don’t even remember unit one!”

16. “I love green food … kiwis, peas, avocados, cheese.”

Of all places, standing in line at the movie theater, breathing in the stench of popcorn and fake cheese while my sneaker is firmly lodged in some archaic bubble gum, often makes it a challenge to continue viewing my singleness as an opportunity to be flexible and free to do and go wherever God calls, rather than the reason why I don’t have a cute guy holding my hand while I wait to order my ticket.  

While surveying the other movie goers inline, I shoot up a prayer that sounds more like it should be addressed to the Great Cosmic Department Store Manager, and not the Creator of the Universe.  “Okay, so I know this whole singles thing is an opportunity for me to serve You God and all, but do You think maybe I could get an exchange?  Have You ever considered a layaway program?”          

The line from a song, “I’m nothing without you, but I don’t know who you are.” seems to sum up these moments.  Sometimes, it’s the simple fact there isn’t anyone that can give you the feeling you’re lacking something — maybe everything — because they aren’t standing there next to you, but you don’t even know who he or she is.     

Unless, you’re still an avid disciple of Cooties, you’ve probably experienced the same feeling, maybe even standing inline at your local movie theater while the couple in front of you makes goo-goo eyes at each other.  It’s hard sometimes, isn’t it?  

In an attempt to regain my focus – it’s incredible how easily it gets lost –  I drag Philippians 4:11-13 out of a dusty, old filing cabinet somewhere in the back of my brain and mull it over a bit.   

“Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound.  Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”    

Ah, yes, the journey of learning to be content.  It helps me to remember it’s something we have to learn, and not that some saintly people are just born with the ability to be perfectly content in all of life’s situations, and others, like me, were born with and extra helping of the gimmies.   

The journey of learning contentment comes in many sizes, shapes and colors.  It can be choosing not to lust after someone’s home library, even though they have an entire collection of classic books.  It can be being thankful for the three pairs of sneakers I have, even though I’d quite happily fill my entire closet with more.  It can mean accepting the fact my dad is dying, and in many ways, he’s already gone, but still choosing to be thankful for the time I did have.  And sometimes, learning to be content takes the shape of being content with being single.          

Anne Lamott says the best two prayers she knows are “Help me, help me, help me” and “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”  I’ve gotten a good deal of mileage out of both, and after a few moments of chewing on Paul’s sentiments regarding contentment, and staring at the movie times, if you could’ve eavesdropped in on my mental ponderings, you would have heard both. “Thank you, Lord, that you’ve given me this opportunity to serve You.  Help me to learn to be content.”

Too many people seem feel that somewhere out there, just over the horizon, is that one thing they’ve been waiting for — college, marriage, a better job, kids — that will make all of the little pieces of their life fall into place and then everything will be truly wonderful.  But there will always be something just out of reach, and as I grasp a hold of the next thing, something new will always take its place.  If I don’t learn how to be content now, I never will be.

Annette Funicello put it well when she said, “Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful.”  Everything doesn’t have to be straight off a Hollywood set before it’s wonderful.  Right now, just the way it is, my life is wonderful and I’m thankful for it.          

Well, I have more to say regarding contentment, but I’ve run out of time and space.  I’ll have to post a “part two” later.

There are two kinds of people in the world who I have an extremely hard time being lenient with.  The first, are bullies who have either hurt someone I care about, or pick on the small and helpless for the benefit of their own misguided egos, and secondly, myself.  No, I don’t have issues with self-loathing — my ego is just fine, thank you very much — but I expect and demand things of myself that I would never dream of asking of anyone else.  

If by chance, you’ve ever spent an afternoon playing with preschoolers with your fingernails caked in Playdough you’ve probably discovered something about the importance of being understanding. 

The kids try to eat the blue Playdough, simply because it’s their favorite color (isn’t that a good enough reason to ingest something?), they jumble the colors until the rainbow resembles an oily, mud puddle.  Playdough ends up in their pockets, hair, ears, nostrils and anywhere else it can be crammed into.  It ends up sticking to the carpet, and then, it dries as hard as concrete, so you don’t have the slightest hope the room, the children, or your clothes will ever be completely Playdough-free again.     

Did the children fail because they had fun and ended up made a mess in the process?  No, of course not.  They’re preschoolers, and that’s how preschoolers act.  You clean up the mess, scrub the tables, and take a chisel to the carpet, without ever thinking any of them have failed.   

Why don’t I extend the same level of understanding to myself?    

There’s something about the changing of the calendars – taking down the well used Dr. Seuss, with a years worth of piano and soccer schedules permanently engraved on it, and hanging a stiff and shiny Van Gogh in its place — that has a way of giving this crabby, drill sergeant of an inner voice a megaphone.    

As is customary, most of us spend time examining ourselves under a cruel microscope until we’ve found the hideous thing we’d like removed.  We make our New Years wish (but entitle it a “resolution” because it sounds more realistic that way) and wait for the New Years Genie to rub his golden palms together and instantly remove the unseemly thing, along with making us into the loving, patient, good-looking, intelligent individual we’ve always known was locked away down, deep inside, just dying to get out.       

When the New Years Genie doesn’t come through — he rarely does – the only “realistic” conclusion we can muster is that we have failed, yet again, and that obnoxious voice puffs out her chest and says “I told you so!” in a taunting voice.  I swear, she’s just asking for a knuckle sandwich.  

Too often, when I decide to make “seize the day” my life motto – which generally happens around the first of the year — my inner voice starts arranging long, detailed lists of things I should be accomplishing, and others that I should’ve already done.  Rather than feeling excited to embrace every moment of life as a gift meant to be treasured – to stop and smell the roses – it’s easy, at least for me, to feel chained to this new “mindset” of making every minute count, while getting tangled up in the overwhelming battle with Self.               

Without any prompting, my inner voice barks orders, pulls out the guilt card (”You never do it right”) and points out all of my flaws and shortcomings in a voice dripping with as much sarcasm and pointed remarks as a late night talk show host, and I’m tired of listening.    

My New Year’s Resolution for 2007 (although, I’d like to imagine it’s more than merely a wish) is to be nice to myself, which means not saying I’m failing because I can’t handle the same level of stress I could before life kicked up to purée.  It means reading what I want to, blogging if I feel like it, going for long walks, drinking tea every morning for no deeper reason other than I want to, and truly taking sometime to breathe, heal and when I need to, grieve.   

Of course, I’d love to be able to handle what I could before, but I can’t yet, and that’s okay.  I’ll get there, but only if I allow myself time to heal now.   

It’s a journey, and in the words of Confucius, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” and the entire journey – no matter how long or short it may be – is comprised of individual steps; choosing to pick on up one foot at a time, and put it down in the right direction, and eventually, you begin shuffling across the living room floor, out the front door and into the open air.  It doesn’t require a genie, just one step at a time.    

Albums that Dominated my CD Player:  

1- How We Operate — Gomez  

2- Back in Bedlam — James Blunt 

3- Plans – Death Cab for Cutie

4- On and On – Jack Johnson  

5- Chaos and Creation in the Backyard – Paul McCartney  

Movies I Enjoyed the Most:  

1- The Goodbye Girl  
2- The Dead Poets’ Society
3- The Lion in Winter 
4- Walk the Line 
5- The Doctor   

Favorite Reads:   

1- A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis  

As the title alone suggests, this is far form a lighthearted, upbeat book, but it’s been the most helpful things I’ve come across in the last year regarding grief and loss.  Unlike other books on grief, it doesn’t provide answers, or formulas to try out; it’s a real look inside the heart of one man as he struggles, questions, and grieves for the loss of wife.   

C.S. Lewis is honest in his writings about how he’s feeling, and even how others relate with him because of his loss.  This book won’t tell you what to do, or where to go from here, but it does provide comfort in knowing you’re not alone as you walk down the long and painful road of grief.  It you’re lost someone, are in the process of losing someone, or know someone who’s grieving and would like to better understand what they’re going through, I highly recommended it.  

2- Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life by Anne Lamott  

Unlike most writing books, this one is more inspirational, but it still does provide some helpful advice.  It was recommended to me by a writer friend of mine while I was working on a research project that seemed, at the time, to be going nowhere fast.  I found in very inspiring, which is what I needed more than anything right then at that point in time.             

A quick word of caution: Because Anne Lamott is often very candid, crude, and very inappropriate in her writings, this book is not recommend for anyone who might be easily offended.      

3- The Age of Innocence by Edith Wharton  

It’s a Victorian novel set in New York among the upper-class.  It shows the darker, less “innocent” side of the Victorian era, that we normally aren’t shown.  It deals with some of the interesting social dynamics of the time, double standards, hypocrisy, and what’s considered “proper” or “fashionable” of decent, wealthy men and women.  Some of the issues, you can still see being played out today, to a degree.    It isn’t a light read by any stretch, but because it’s a Victorian novel, it never goes into too much detail, and it doesn’t get nearly as dark as a modern novel probably would.  I loved this book; the story, the character, and the fact that it didn’t paint things in a rosy, romantic lighting.               

4- Loving God by Charles Colson  

Charles Colson takes on the challenge of practically answering the question, “How do we love God?”

 5- The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis  

This isn’t a “relational book,” but rather, its observations on the four different kinds of loves.  It’s not a devotional book, self-help, or deep theology, but I found it very interesting and insightful, and C.S. Lewis makes it an enjoyable read by just being himself.  

6- Ender’s Game by Orson Scott Card  Personally, I’m not a huge fan of Sci-Fi, so the fact that this book actually made it on my list of favorites says something.   Along with just being a fun read, the book illustrates well how the hardest things in our lives — the things we’d like to wish away — are the very things that shape our character, for bad, good, or even both.  Although the main character, Ender Wiggin, is a young boy it isn’t a children’s book.  I found in a very interesting novel with a lot more depth than I would have suspected it to contain.         

Quotes I Like:  

“In order to be irreplaceable, one must always be different.”-Coc (Gabrielle Bonheur) Chanel 

“The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.” -Mark Twain 

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.” - Mark Twain 

“I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.” - Galileo Galilei 

“Bad times have a scientific value. These are occasions a good learner would not miss.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson 

Favorite Moments:  

-Finally getting to see “The Importance of Being Ernest” performed live.  It was wonderfully done.  It’s one of my favorite plays.  

-Riding on a trolley car in Sand Francisco, walking through China Town, Golden Gate Park, and admiring the beautiful, old Victorian homes.  

-Seeing more of California than Disneyland.  

-Balboa Park in San Diego, and the Andy Whorhal exhibit.   

-Seeing my mom, Ian and Shannon all genuinely smiling.  

-Coming to the peaceful realization after moving that I was truly safe, and I could relax and breathe again.

-When friends listened, asked questoins that showed they cared, and then remember what I said later.